September 21, 2020

SATIRE: Stuck student stimulates plan to meet budget shortfall

Locker 2130 remains furnished after being occupied for two years. (Photo Edited by Celia Golod '17)

School officials were left in shock last Monday after an eighteen year old student was found living inside his locker.

The student, who goes unnamed, was believed to have been stuck living in locker 2130 for the past two years unnoticed.

The student was trapped in his locker in late February 2013, after playing a game of hide and seek with some of his friends. The unoccupied lockers seemed like a great hiding spot, but after hours of not being found the student soon realised they might be too unoccupied.

With a record breaking 2,257 cuts and 450 absences, the student just beat the previous school record of 2,223 cuts and 439 absences.

School officials view the cuts and absences as an easy fix. “Clearly his attendance in school has not been an issue,” said housemaster Mr. Drew Kelton. “Now we just need to work on facilitating his transition out of the locker and into the classroom.”

The student has also not been in attendance at home. His concerned parents claim they had absolutely no idea where their son has been for the last few years. “We always thought he moved in with his Grandparents or something,” his mother said.

“I guess this explains a lot,” his father added.

Friends and relatives are just happy that the boy is safe at home with his caring family. “His parents are great people,” said the students best friend. “They are very involved and will help him re-adapt everyday life.”

On the other hand, officials are now praising the student, saying he has provided them with a solution to the recent budget shortfall. Starting next fall, the school will be selling out lockers for students to use as a living space. “This is going to raise a tremendous amount of money that we can put toward the planetarium we have been wanting to purchase for the courtyard,” said Kelton.

Kelton adores this idea and adds that “other than being tight and small, the lockers have top-notch ventilation and offer great personal space,” said Kelton. “This could be the resolution to unused lockers we have always been looking for.”

The lockers will come in four colors (Chisum Champagne, Novo Tan, Kelton Khaki and Bender Beige) and two sizes (small and large). Students will also have the option of purchasing pillows and blankets to fit inside, in addition to the option of a speaker system and a power chord.

The school is also considering selling the gym lockers as closet space, but for now they make no promises.

(Celia Golod ’17, Photo Editor)

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