November 24, 2017

SATIRE: School fountains reach new low; dehydrate students

By Alex Doe ’16, News Editor

In what many students are calling a “new low” for the water fountains at the school, a student needed to be hospitalized after an attempted drink from the third floor fountain resulted in extreme dehydration.  It seems that the the years of student complaints have found validation. At long last, the brand-new high school may be forced to match the fountain quality of the decades-old middle school.

The affected student reacted from his hospital bed via live stream: “I’m honestly not surprised,” he said.  “I knew I made a mistake when I, like, bent down to drink- because it’s the third floor fountain, you know- but all I felt was a tug and before I knew it I was in this hospital bed talking to you guys.”

If this seems strange, it’s because it is.

Fountologist Gregory Spikes offered his insight into this stunning anomaly: “First of all, a lot of people don’t know about Fountologists, so I’d like to set the record straight.  I went to Harvard. Making water fountains produce water is incredibly difficult, as your school has proven. Incredibly.  I’ve always loved fountains, and it’s worked tremendously well for me.  My mother, I see her most mornings, and she’s really warming up to it too, I think.”

He continued: “The water pressure in the school has to push water through the pipes, but it can’t push the water unless the pressure is pushing in the right direction, right?  Well, the pressure in this case became so low, that it actually switched directions. So instead of pushing water out… the fountain sucked students in.”

This won’t come as a surprise to many students around the school, anyone who has tried to use the fountain has probably felt the underwhelming, demoralizing sensation of watching the stream plummet into a trickle before their eyes.  Now the danger of the situation calls for serious reform, or students may be at risk:

“I fear for my life.  I don’t want to end up in the hospital, but I do want to drink water.  I’m so lost and confused, and I need the school to show me something” said water drinker David Lustere ’18.

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