November 24, 2017

SATIRE: Featured (better than) teacher: This kid has all the answers

By Zach Miller ’17, Features Editor

You’ve seen his kind in all of your classes. Whenever the teacher asks a question, real or rhetorical, there goes his hand, skyrocketing into the air as if somehow the teacher will care this time. The rest of the class already knows what he knows himself: Main Levée ’17  is the smartest student in the entire school.

Levée’s hand waving in the air after every single question that the teacher poses is no coincidence; he knows the answer to literally everything. The concept of letting others answer a question does not apply here. After all, who needs an answer from an average student when it can come from a genius?

“I started realizing that I had an answer to anything the teacher could possibly ask in about third grade,” said Levée confidently. “I got into the handwriting club before anyone else in the class, and from then on, my superiority was quite evident.”

“He started as such a sweet kid,” said his third grade teacher Mrs. Jolie Femme, who coincidentally began to notice gray hairs on her head that very year.

Levée has never, ever missed an opportunity to shout out an answer when the option presents itself. “Look, if the rest of the class is slow to answer a question, it becomes my moral obligation to provide an answer for them,” he said.

He also has an incredibly enviable habit of finishing his tests first, smacking his pencil down loudly, shuffling his papers, and slapping the test on the teacher’s desk so that everyone has the privilege of knowing who the ‘winner’ is. Says Levée: “I’ve already conquered the academic world, so now I’m mostly focusing on speed in order to present myself with a new challenge.”

His Quiz-Up scores are legendary; Levée will tell you loudly that he “doesn’t play that silly game anymore” because “why play if it’s not a challenge?”

Just how did he get these incredible skills in every academic subject known to mankind? A very simple yet seemingly unreplicable combination of Buzzfeed articles, an AP Economics class, extensive recollection of the Percy Jackson books, high stamina, great hand-raising technique, and parents who never quite mastered the word ‘no’.

“I don’t believe that I’m smarter than anyone else,” said Levée. “I’m just very, very good at the French language and will insert it randomly into conversation if need be.”

“I don’t get him at all,” said his classmate Steve Élève ’17. “It’s so clear that the teacher is tired of him.”

“If [Levée] didn’t raise his hand for a single question, I would probably give everyone an ‘A’ for the year,” said his history teacher, Mr. Fred Marre.

“I like all my teachers,” said Levée. “I like [Stufo] the best, though, even if he calls on the dumb kids instead of me sometimes. My AP Econ knowledge really puts me ahead of the curve in that class.”

Levée’s classmates mostly just seem tired. “I haven’t seen him without his hand up in 8 years,” said Lisa Fille ’17. “It would be nice to have the chance to answer a question every now and then, but at this point I understand that he is just fundamentally better than me.”

Élève agreed completely with Fille. “This is our reality now,” he said. “When a higher being like Levée is in your midst, you kinda have to let him answer everything. Plus, he raises his hand so much more than the rest of us that we’ve basically forgotten how to answer a question.”

“I really feel like I help my teachers out so much,” said Levée, grinning. “I often feel like I know the material better than they do. If my hand wasn’t waving in their face all the time, how would they know who to call on? And how would the world ever know the right answer?”

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