September 25, 2017

SATIRE: Kasich is Krazy

By Matthew Hornung ’16, Staff Writer

Voters will face a highly consequential decision this November, carrying with them the responsibility to choose the next President of the United States.  As residents of states ranging from Idaho to Maine and Kentucky to Arizona head to the polls, they will face a list of presidential candidates that for the most part are qualified individuals with moderate views, honorable intentions, and impressive track records.  It is important, however, that voters realize the innate potential for chaos and destruction contained in one candidate.

Ohio Governor John Kasich is arguably the single greatest threat to the stability of the United States that the American people have ever seen.  Never has a candidate before had the audacity to stand before the people of the United States and expect them to pay attention to reason, rationality, and logic.  His radical ideas will destroy our political system and his ethics will undermine our way of being.

First and foremost, John Kasich is dangerous for the spirit of the American people and their political system.  With an attitude geared towards getting things done, he evidently lacks the stubbornness that has produced such a successful Congress and generates the anger and frustration which results in such a thoughtful, rationally-based election season.  Even worse, Kasich’s moderate positions, grounded in the outdated and antiquated relics known as facts, would tear away from the fabric of brutal partisanship that provides a basis for the American spirit.

Kasich also falls short of other presidential candidates by way of his conspicuous campaigning approach.  He fills his advertisements, marketing materials, and speeches with an inexplicably optimistic sentiment, posing an immense danger to the campaign industry itself.  Such a campaign could cause countless campaign management professionals and super-PACs to fall into irrelevance, even after all their hard work to develop such a productively-vicious election cycle.  A candidate with ignorance of this magnitude for the millionaires who would lose their retirement hobbies cannot be expected have any of his portrayed “compassion” for the average American.

Finally, Kasich has far too many qualifications to be president.  In the first place, with a list so long and diverse, it is unreasonable to expect the average voter to read it in its entirety and understand the candidate.  Such qualifications are also threatening in the way that they instill confidence in Americans in Kasich’s ability to lead as President, a sentiment which would harm the media’s ability to sensationalize the suspenseful series of events associated with an inexperienced President.  Likewise, a known track record makes Kasich predictable in his actions, which simply removes the fun from politics, a sport where citizens’ votes are akin in significant to likes on a Facebook page.

Thus it emerges as the anomaly in this election: a dangerous candidate with a disturbing track record, unsettling ethics and approach, and radically moderate views that cause every thinking American to cringe.  Before he corrupts the integrity and moderateness that has graced this campaign season, he must be stopped.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*