November 24, 2017

SATIRE: Kim Kardashian is the best part of being American

Mrs. Kardashian-West was sighted on the fourth floor looking for Baby North's future school on February 31, 2015.

Sometimes, I look at the state of the world around us, and I am overcome with the sense that we are fighting a losing battle.  At this very moment, the next disease to end all diseases is mounting a campaign to send the citizens of both Tinfoil Hatsville and their close neighbors at Fox News into a frenzy, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Enjoy that saying, by the way, because none of your children will have the faintest idea what an iceberg is.

During all of this hardship, however, there is someone actively helping people feel more optimistic about their lives.  That’s right, the woman renowned across the intellectual battleground known as America for her incredible skills at being famous, has done it again.  Kim Kardashian just dyed her hair blonde.

This monumental event has not gone unnoticed, and her decision has both shocked and delighted the school.   One student expressed his disbelief in the library last night; “She defines our culture, bro.  She stands for everything, like, American.  And if I know about one thing, it’s American,” the junior said.

Overcome with love for his country, he took a moment to dab his eyes with a greasy McDonalds napkin before continuing, “I wear everything Kim wears, not literally of course, that’s too good to be true.  But, dude, for real, like no lie, I want to be her so bad.  She’s just so pretty, and even if she’s fake pretty, that’s still more pretty than the rest of us.  Why else would she have fifty million Facebook likes?  That’s more than the President or Barack Obama himself!  And those are two very important people in America.”

Indeed, others do seem to devalue Kim Kardashian’s impact on society, even though her 200 million dollar net worth must have originated from somewhere.  Without a doubt, the likes of Stephen Hawking and Patrick Modiano, the most recent Nobel Prize winner in Literature, merit respect.  But considering their likes combined are only .05% of Kim Kardashian’s likes, America has clearly chosen who is more important.  How is it that, after marrying a real-life, self proclaimed God named Kanye West and somehow giving birth to a compass, there are still people who do not respect her talent?

In a way, Kim Kardashian is a God as well.  Besides the fact that she is married to a God and worshipped by countless fans of her many critically acclaimed, character-driven shows that accurately portrays the human condition, Kim Kardashian may never leave the face of the earth.  Is it too ridiculous to hope that we may have the honor of melting Kim Kardashian’s remains into legos for children to play with for years to come?  There’s enough plastic to do it, and I say we consider the option.

(Alex Doe ’16, News Editor)

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